I wake up early like I do every morning. My little brothers and sisters are still sleeping and all is quiet. Growing up as the oldest of seven, I've learned to appreciate these rare moments of silence when I can think without being interrupted. I turn on my iPod, put in my ear buds, and head downstairs to the kitchen where I make myself a nice, warm cup of Earl Grey. I put a piece of bread into the toaster and wait as I sip my tea.
It's a beautiful morning.
My toast pops up. I'm all ready with a butter knife in hand, but the smell of smoke stops me. I pull the black, charcoal bread out of the toaster carefully with two fingers.
My mornings are always the same.
Every morning I get up at exactly seven thirty.
Every morning I go on the laptop for a couple hours.
Every morning I shower.
Every morning I eat cinnamon toast for breakfast.
Even though I dislike planning and schedules, I always take comfort in the predictability of the morning, the start to a totally unpredictable day.
My life hasn't been too exciting. It's at that point in the year where the days seem to just blur together. I can't distinguish one particular day from the rest because they are all the same, never changing.
But every once in a while the universe will turn on me and give me something I wasn't expecting. Just like when my toaster decides to toast my bread for a bit longer than I wanted. It throws me off. Days like burnt toast can ruin my perfectly happy mood.
Lately unexpected things have been happening a lot. I will be dreaming and anticipating something for weeks or even sometimes months and it wont go as I had wished. I've been disappointed in people and places and events so much, I almost just don't want to leave my room anymore. There's this little voice inside my head constantly whispering to me telling me that no matter what I do, I won't be happy. And I know it's not true, but I listen anyway.
This is what I have been struggling with. It's been hard, but I think I'm finally starting to block out the voice.
I'm trying to remind myself that, yes, some days will be like burnt toast, but there will also be days when someone unexpectedly makes me an omelet.
I'm trying to remind myself that there will be good surprises as well as undesirable ones.