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This Mess of a Wall Flower

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I walk. Back and forth, back and forth. Again and again and again.

I wonder if anyone notices me. Surely someone has noticed how I'm pacing from one side of the room to the next. But if someone has seen me, they don't talk to me, or ask if I have something to do.

No. I just walk.

Out of the corner of my eye I can see them. Talking, laughing... I wonder what they are laughing about. I approach them.

They continue the conversation, and I stand on the outskirts of the crowd. No one acknowledges my existence.

I just stand and listen.

No one asks me how I am, or fills me in on what they are talking about. Not even a hello is uttered in my direction.

I walk away. Back to pacing.

I see my sister, and I feel hopeful. Maybe she will talk to me, help me not feel so alone...

But no... She's already talking to someone, smiling and laughing. As soon as I walk over, she pushes me away, not wanting to be stuck with me.

So I continue pacing again and again and again, just wanting this night to be over.

A happy shriek can be heard through the noise, I turn around, but realize it's not for me as I see someone greet a late comer who had just walked through the door.

Why not me? I can't help but wonder. When I had walked in there was no one rushing through the crowd to hug me and welcome me.

I thought that these people were friends. That they cared. But I keep pacing, trying to fight the urge to run out the door and walk home, even though I know that's not possible, home is too far away, and I'm stuck here.

Pacing.
***
#truestory

I have realized that I am an extrovert and a wall flower... and that is a very very bad mixture. I want to talk to people, to be surrounded by close friends who know me inside and out, but, as you can tell from the above story, I'm not.

I think I can count on one hand how many close friends I really have. 

I feel alone a lot. Like no one really cares about me. I'm not popular, and I don't have that social appeal that my sister somehow has. I can't tell you how many times I've been walking with her and someone has come up to talk to her, and I'm forced to fade away into the background.

I'm just always there, always watching and listening, but no one notices.

I'm a mess of a wallflower. 

9 comments

  1. I know how you feel sometimes.
    I'm sorry though.

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  2. I'm left kinda speechless. And I'm sorry.
    ~Sarah

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  3. i totally have this feeling. a lot.

    and i'm sorry we both feel like this. it bothers me a lot, but sometimes i learn to accept it. you may want to read my third piece of writing here (http://theconfessionsofadaydreamer.blogspot.com/2013/08/various-writings-collection-one.html).

    xx.
    rachel

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  4. I too know how you feel! It's hard and frustrating. Making friends is really hard work. I have three close friends, and even with them I don't always feel like I fit in. I wish you the best and truly hope things can change for you.

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  5. You share my feelings exactly, Hannah! I'm sorry you're feeling down and unloved.

    I'm an introvertish, wallflowerish person, and it takes a while for me to get to know someone well enough to feel completely comfortable with them. (Even yet, I'm unsure if I have a friend I'm totally comfortable with.) My top love language is, I'm pretty sure, Quality Time, so I always feel bad if no one cares enough to devote some of their time to me. And it's so hard for me to remember that I need to love THEM in THEIR love language, too! without expecting them to share their time with me in return.

    Life is hard. That's about all I can say. . . .

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  6. I feel like that too sometimes. I wish you and I could meet sometime and talk, and we wouldn't feel lonely. :)
    x
    sw

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  7. I'm more of an introvert wallflower, and get on better in small groups/with individuals. Nevertheless, I often feel like when trying to talk to big groups, my introverted-ness making me dismissed faster than I'd like in casual/cool situations. I hope things get better.
    (PS, thank you for following us, I really like your blog!)

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  8. Is your blog on Bloglovin' ?

    -Katy

    theartistshollow.blogspot.com

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  9. Oh Hannah! I'm sorry if I've every left you feeling this way. I know I didn't really mean too if that is your impression.
    Sometime it's okay to be shy. :) I'd rather be quiet than loud talker/laugher, like I always am. Seriously I kinda admire quiet people because they have such great ideas and are some of my favorite role models. Just thought I'd say that.
    As time goes on, things will get better, I'm sure of it! ^_^ Chin-up...buttercup!

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